The Discovery

do not imagine that the exploration ends,
that she has yielded all her mystery
or that the map you hold
cancels further discovery

I tell you her uncovering takes years
takes centuries, and when you find her naked
look again, admit there is something else you cannot name,
a veil, a coating just above the flesh
which you cannot move by your mere wish

when you see the land naked, look again
(burn your maps, that is not what I mean),
I mean the moment when it seems most plain
is the moment you must begin again

- Gwendolyn MacEwan

Rebirthing

Spring is slowly trickling back. Around me and within me. I saw the years first custard colored snails and have cracked my first (and second) crème-brûlée crust. I feel like Amélie, except I'm not good at skipping stones and I'm growing my bangs out.

I deserve a raise.

I really do. Despite only having worked there (Haagen-Dazs) for, oh, barely a week. I believe a raise, in my still unknown salary (I need to ask more questions...) is still due, with all the business I'm bringing in. I know that's arrogant sounding, and for those with sensitive... eyes, I should say, I warn you now to avert them as the rest of the paragraph shall be equally, if not exceedingly pretentious. It seems I already have a throng of admirers coming to see me, my colleagues have even said that they get inquisitions as to the whereabouts of "la Canadienne". I find this fascinating; not only due to the obvious ego-stroking it entails, but like most members of the female population, I am completely ignorant and/or unaware of my physical appearance to others. Not to say that I'm one of those girls who gets a kick out of saying how fat/ugly/swine-like she is, only to hear people disagree with her, or who'll publish a picture of herself and then entitle it something like: "Eww, me!" Please, we all know what egomaniac game you're trying to play, after all, I was once the master of that very game. I mean, I have my self-depreciating moments, but for the most part, I am growing more comfortable in my own Skin. On the other hand, I am perfectly aware that there are plenty of girls out there who are far better looking than me. Ho hum, lucky them. In brief, I may not be the prettiest thing out there, but there are far more worse looking girls out there, than good-looking ones, and I think I deserve a raise... maybe. Okay, I think I've thrown myself enough flowers for one day.
On a less egocentric note, chaos seems to be quite abundant over yonder here in France. Students; university and high school I believe, have been on strike for a few weeks now, and they now have their first fatality. For those who are unaware, which I'm going to guess is most of you are, of the situation here, I will attempt to explain it to the best of my knowledge. I'm not particularly political, as I went through that phase between the ages of 12 and 15, and have now grown weary of it, at least for the time being. After all, you gotta save yourself before you can save the world... Anyways, so the government recently (and sneakily) implemented this new plan called CPE --- "Contrat Premier Emploi", which basically changes the former 3 month probationary period at a job, to a 2 year probationary period. Of course, for anyone trying to settle themselves in the workforce that's a wee bit nerve wracking, as you are now walking on egg shells for the next 2 years as opposed to 3 months. Of course, who, would this change effect the most? Most people under the age of 26 who are in, or just finishing university and are about to throw themselves to the wolves in order to "make a living" (What irony...) that's who. So of course, in typical French fashion, much action is taken, with a flair that only the French can pull off. Along with the mandatory protests and demonstrations, some folks have decided that occupying the university would be a good idea as well. I don't know what or how that really does anything, but that's what they've decided to do. Of course, that means it's not unusual to see people sleeping , or smoking tobacco and non-tobacco things alike, outside your French Literature class. Well, apparently one dude decided to take things a step further, by going and dying on us at around 10 this morning, and then remaining inconspicuously dead until around after 2 this afternoon. So yes, next to an abundance of dog poop, elephant-like secretaries and fine cheese, we now have students dying at school. And remaining unnoticed that way for a few hours. Remind me why I'm here again? Oh yes, of course... the cheese.

I like nonsense, it wakes up the brain cells. Fantasy is a necessary ingredient in living, its a way of looking at lifethrough the wrong end of a telescope. Which is what I do, and that enables you to laugh at life's realities.

-Dr. Seuss

Choc Choc Chips

I just got a job working at Haagen-Daz. It's delicious.
Life has taken an interesting turn. Can't say if it's for the better or for the worse, as God (or whomever) works in mysterious ways. I must trust and have faith in Myself and in the Universe. I know I have the strength to carry onwards.

Libra

You may feel like a giant wrecking ball, dear Libra, that is anxious to break down existing structures. Perhaps you are upset by a new development in your town, the political system that runs the country, or the power structure within your own home. Regardless of the exact reasons for wanting to do so, you are certain that change needs to happen in order for progress to be made. Often one must tear down an existing structure before a better one can be built.

It's all in the mind...

Theology and Geometry

Symmetry has been restored to my body and I ate strawberries for the first time yesterday.
"A Confederacy of Dunces" is ridiculous. I highly reccomend it.

When I was young...

Recently, I've been thinking, or remembering various moments in my childhood that really had an impact on the development (or destruction) of the person we have before us today. So bear with me here, as I explore these crucial moments of my so-called development. After all, no one is forcing you to read this.
The one that dawned upon me today, occurred when I was either 6 or 7, after a disagreement of sorts had transpired between me and my teacher at school, and I sought my revenge by sticking my tongue out at her. Of course, my father is immediately notified of this (I won't deny that I was a little bit of a rambunctious child. I'd like to think that I had character...) and a couple days later (My father has a tendency to wait a couple days, or weeks, or even months between sin and punishment. Which doesn't really work with a child as young as 6, or even 8. Much like a puppy that has soiled the carpet earlier, their simple minds are too preoccupied a mere 2 hours, later with the latest scent stumbled upon or what glorious ensemble could be put together for their beloved Barbie to wear to the Pony Ball.) So yes, a couple days later, I am accosted on my horrible sin, by my father armed with a dictionary. I remember him pointing out the word "respect" and read the definition out loud to me and then basically told me what I did was disrespectful and that I shouldn't have done it and to respect my teacher in the future. I must admit, that I left that encounter rather confused, unenlightened and ashamed. I've always yearned and sought love, admiration, approval, and just plain attention from my father. Even to this day, I find myself crippled with a bout of inferiority complex, despite all I know. I was the ultimate daddy pleaser, and I'm glad he wasn't sick enough to take advantage of that. My daddy was my world, he could have been God himself for all I knew. Everything I did was to make him proud and make him love me more. There was nothing that made me happier than to receive the "daddy thumbs-up" in something I'd pursue or accomplish. He was the single most important person in my life. Needless to say, I am in the process of getting over that, but for most of my life, my father was a shining figure of perfection in my gullible, naive eyes.
Anyways, I feel that that encounter taught my impressionable 6 year old mind that my own judgment was crap (It was as good as any 6 year old's.) and that elders should remain unquestioned, unobjected (Not sure if that's a word.) and always right. All things I've come to realize now, are completely false. My gut instinct hasn't let me down thus far, on the rare occasions I listen to it, and yes, most "elders" do have more life experience than say, a 6 year old, but we're all learning here and we should always question and inquire and discover.
Looking back now, and by no means am I trying to declare myself an expert on parenting. I'm only 18 and still have much to learn before I even fathom the idea of being a parent, and even then, I'll still have so much more to learn! Like I said, we're all learning and living and growing here, and sometimes we need to be questioned on our intentions and actions. This is just my 2 cents as to how that specific incident could have been handled. I think, instead of condemning my actions from the beginning, it would have been wiser to question why I felt the need to show my teacher such a lack of respect (It was disrespectful, but I forgot what she did that made my 6 year old mind decide that sticking my tongue out at her was a suitable conclusion to our altercation.), of course not wording it in that way, because that still implies that what I did was wrong. Of course, after establishing with the child her need to stick her tongue out at the teacher, you can then declare the status on tongue sticking outing, and then discuss better ways of expressing your displeasure with others.
Oh well, live and learn.

It's not all bad...

I seem to focus, or at least write, too often on the negative aspects of living in France. So today, I am going to focus on the country's and its peoples more positive attributes. Because, believe it or not, they do exist!
While the French people may be an abrasive people, I can gurantee you, that you won't ever have to try to guess what exactly it is they think about you or a situation. They'll let you know, pretty much right off the bat how they feel at the time being. Whether it be you crossing the street (French people LOVE to beep horns, it's one of their endearing, childish habits.) or you making their day by giving up your seat on public transit. Emotions are plentiful and always ready to be shared, and I really respect and admire that. Living with my father for 6 years conditioned me to be blissfully ignorant of mine and others emotions, always in denial of the mere existence of emotions themselves, so coming to France is a rather refreshing experience at times, and at the same time quite traumatizing.
Another thing I've noticed is their way of embracing individuality. It's not like in North America where individual well-being is placed above collective well-being, quite the opposite actually. The French encourage a more wholistic approach to indiviuality, as in they encourage you to find out what it is you're good at and to do it. For example, by the time kids reach highschool, they have to have an idea of the general field they want to be working in for the future. They have literary schools, art schools, technical schools, science schools, etc. and in those schools your studies are focused on the very thing you're working towards. As opposed to North America, where they try to pound a round peg into a square hole with "discipline" and "ambition". Here, they help the round peg find the round hole and put it in there. I feel that it's a good system.